Day 5: Biggest Fear

There’s a lot in life that scares me. Spiders, sharks, eels, the ocean (I know I’m from Hawaii), and car accidents. But the biggest fear is losing Kyle. After losing my dad at 15 years old, I’ve always had this guttural reaction to never get married. I watched what my mom went through, not just a personal loss but the things that naturally come with it. Raising teenagers as a single parent, having to relocate for a job, the logistics of taking care of your loved one’s personal belongings and so on. I never wanted to deal with that. Ever.

During those formative years I made a pact with myself that if I never wanted to go through that, I just wouldn’t get married. In fact, my dear friend Rebecca reminds me of our time after college when I came home and proudly announced to the world that “I am never getting married. I have my routine. I love it. And I don’t need a guy in my life to complete my life.” Boy was I wrong.

I needed the right man in my life to complete it and Kyle is that man. He’s the person that listens to be complain and doesn’t say a word, never judges me even when I deserve it the most, surprises me with picnics and mexican food, goes running though it’s his least favorite activity, draws cold water baths when I’m returning from a training run, cleans the house because he knows I’d rather have that over a fancy birthday dinner, let’s me get my beautiful Marc Jacobs purse because I’ve been hunting for one exactly like that for over a year, massages me when I can’t turn my neck- even though he can no longer feel his thumbs.

Kyle and Jackie

Love this guy.

But my fear is still there.  The fear of losing my best friend, my husband, my snuggle-buddy. I remember the first year we got married, we’d get into stupid fights over him not calling/texting to let me know he was okay when he was out with the guys, or leaving at 2am to go to work to hit a deadline and not telling me. I’d wake up in the middle of the morning and my husband wasn’t there.  We finally figured out the root of the fights and it’s helped. I wouldn’t say it has solved everything but it’s helped dramatically in how we communicate, set expectations, and support one another. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my fear completely. But I do know that cherishing each moment with him and my loved ones is something that is vitally important to me.  Love is bigger than fear.
Day 1: Surviving your spouse on an international trip
Day 2: Never order flowers online
Day 3: Bucket List
Day 4: Pet Peeves
Day 8: Honesty
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